Why is Everyone Gay? !
by Cosmos Senshi
Summary: One girl and twelve men living together in one castle. It's every girl's dream, right?


My copies of Kingdom Hearts actually belong to my brother. Woe.

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"WHY IS EVERYONE AROUND HERE GAY?!" Larxene's voice, although not quite as loud as an Atlantian rock concert, was so filled with anger and general pissed-off-ness, it caused the entire population of the castle (including Demyx's goldfish Goose and Monkey and the chunky milk in Xemnas' fridge that had achieved sentience) to jump a foot into the air.

It was that time of month again. Suffice to say, with Larxene, there were several times of month, most of which were times that you should stay the hell out of her way or be forced to drop the "nymph" part of her name. The mood swings associated with both female Nobodys and humans' reproductive systems were partially responsible, though there were also times (like when her credit card bill came, or a too-pushy telemarketer wouldn't get off the phone) where her temper would be roused completely at random, causing everyone within the near vicinity to duck and cover. Today, however, the cause of Larxene's ire was right on schedule; her hormones were practically screaming at her, "Reproduce! Reproduce! Have sex!"

So Larxene tried to obey her body's frantic command.

Despite the fact that being the only female alone in a castle full of men has been the plot for at least half a dozen pornos, Larxene was having a hell of a time finding anyone at all who wasn't already . . . preoccupied.

Axel and Roxas were already off the list of potential fuckbuddies. Axel was far too gay (let's face it, he fought with flaming hula hoops) and Roxas was still jailbait (not that Axel cared about that, or Roxas either). Demyx and Zexion were also out, since even if Larxene was interested in Emo and the Airhead, walking in on their "Sexy Karaoke" where Demyx was David Bowie and Zexion was screwing him silly had left a permanent scar.

Well, that still left eight potential victims. Larxene set off with determination, moving quickly and sexily towards Xemnas' room. She knocked.

"Superior! I've brought you a present!" Larxene inwardly winced at her own cheesy line, but goddammit, she needed to get laid, screw the means to the ends. Unfortunately, it was wasted, as there didn't appear to be any response from inside.

"Superior?"

Still no answer.

Larxene jiggled the handle a little. It was unlocked. She opened the door.

And then quickly closed it again. Oops. She had forgotten that the Superior was the only one in the entire castle who had soundproofed rooms. Well, that saved her the trouble of trying to seduce Saix.

Down to six people. Xigbar was kind of cute in a graying sort of way. And eyepatches were sexy. A peek through the keyhole revealed that Xaldin also liked eyepatches. Larxene was pretty sure that pirate peg legs were not supposed to be used in that fashion.

Four people left. This was getting annoying. Every time she checked on one person, two people ended up being crossed off the list. Her looking in on Lexaeus while he was working out in the gym also resulted in a double elimination. Larxene sighed exasperatedly. Well, now she had the answer as to why Luxord had that six-pack.

Two now. Larxene gritted her teeth and headed towards Marluxia's garishly decorated suite, knowing that this was her last chance, but that there was no way in the world that the pink-haired man would even think about the fairer sex – he was the fairer sex. Sure enough, glancing in on Marluxia's location, she discovered that he and Vexen were studying chemistry, the same way you study chemistry at your boyfriend's house when your mother asks you where you're going.

And then there were none. Larxene checked and double-checked the list in her mind, each time coming up with the same conclusion. The more she thought about it, the more annoyed she got. Everyone, everyone in the castle was getting some . . . except her. The combination of rage and hormones grew and grew as the knowledge festered in her mind, until finally she couldn't stand it anymore.

Hence, her beginning outburst questioning the greater power in the universe as to the reason why there was such a large population of homosexual men in her general location.

No one in the castle moved for a couple of seconds. And then they didn't move for another few seconds. There was still no moving for quite a bit more than a few seconds. Larxene couldn't even hear any breathing. No one, absolutely no one wanted to incur Larxene's full wrath upon their head.

There was a sudden noise. A small blonde head poked out of a doorway. "What's all the fuss?" Namine wiped her left eye, leaving a little red paint on her nose that rubbed off from her hand. "You startled me. I was right in the middle of working on my canvas."

Larxene looked at the diminutive girl, her white dress stained in a couple places from water and paint. Something in her mind clicked. "Okay."

"Okay what? Hey! Hey, what are you doing! Larxene! Let go!" Larxene had grabbed Namine's wrist and was pulling her down the hallway towards the large black door marked 'XII.' The rest of the castle peeked out of their own doors long enough to see the door slam behind Larxene and hear the lock click. There was a little more protest coming from behind the doors, then a short period of silence, and then, sounds that could clearly indicated that both Larxene _and_ Namine were enjoying themselves. The other denizens of the castle shrugged and went back into their rooms. Sex endorphins would probably make Larxene less prone to kicking their asses.

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Dou deshita ka:) It's been so long since I've written anything, I hope it still pleases. I'd make the general excuse that college is really hard and I have projects and blah blee, but I'd be lying since I'm such a lazy ass that I just haven't felt like writing. (OMG I'm actually in college! And a Japanese major too, hence the fun writing at the top of this AN. Any Ohio State students, shout out! (I figure the campus is so big and there's so many people, there's no way anyone could possibly stalk me from this information. I think.)) My internet has been dead for the past month, so I guess that's a good excuse too. (It just _died_ all of a sudden. I have no idea why, and neither does Toshiba. Dammit.)

Reviews are welcome and encourage me to write more often! Criticism is the best thing you can do for an author! Flames will have something very horrible done to them. Yes. Tremble in fear.


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